Letter to Self

Getting out of a slump

Dear self,

Today marks another day in an attempt to get out of your "slump". It’s been nearly a month since you’ve spiraled into another depressive episode, and as your current self, living like this sucks. Sleeping your days away, skipping meals, not having any proper routine, and isolating yourself for days or weeks aren’t healthy. This isn’t sustainable, nor is it normal in any way.

I suppose I’m writing and publishing this as a final cry. Not a cry for help, just a cry. A cry to my friends and family to tell them that I’m sorry if I’ve been ignoring their messages and calls. A cry to apologize for not opening up to them because I don’t want to burden them or lash out at them in frustration.

I don’t want pity or people telling me that things will get better. I know that things will get better and I know that I can get through this. I just need time. Time to heal, time to adapt, and time to get better.

This past month has felt like a car crash going in slow motion. I know what’s going to happen, yet everything unfolds at such an agonizingly slow pace.

So to my future self, I have a request. I need you to get better. I need you to do better and take care of yourself because I love you. I love you, and I need you to take care of your body, mind, and soul. You need to stay consistent with your habits and establish a routine that you can follow and stick to regularly.

You need to stop putting others first and put yourself first for once. Don’t feel guilty for not replying to others, and don’t feel guilty for putting yourself first. You wear your heart on your sleeve, and I know that you’d do anything for anyone in a heartbeat. You treat others with unconditional love and respect, and I need you to do the same with yourself. I know that you’re your own best friend and your own worst enemy. You have this love-hate relationship with yourself where you love and hate yourself infinitely. You hate yourself because you’re a hypocrite. Despite what you preach on the internet and to others about self-love, you don’t practice it consistently. But that’s okay because you’re only human.

And regardless of what nasty and vile things you whisper to yourself about yourself, I still love you. I hope you read this letter every day so I can remind you of all the great and wonderful things that you are and why I love you undoubtedly so.

You are honest and aware. Your self-awareness has taken you very far in getting to know who you are as a person, and for that I am proud. You know you still have lots to learn, and you’re honest about your capabilities. You aren’t embarrassed to be the dumbest person in the room because there’s nothing to be ashamed of since everyone has to start somewhere.

You are kind and compassionate. Ever since you were young, you’ve always wept for others. My dear, you have the biggest and toughest heart I know. Despite how much hurt you’ve been through, you will always show kindness to others.

Your mind and creativity are gems to be treasured. You could spend the whole day daydreaming or scheming up the most outlandish projects and ideas. Your creativity knows no bounds, and it is something to admire. You are your own muse and artist. I could write endless poems and stories about you all day.

Your laughter is my favorite sound. My heart warms when I get to hear you laugh. Your loud, robust fits of laughter are contagious; they fill empty rooms, and they turn houses into homes.

Lastly, you remind me of summer. Your dark brown eyes are like dark pools of warm honey. Light freckles from the sun adorn your face. Dark, messy hair with auburn streaks, like golden rays from the sun. Your energy is warm, comforting, and trusting. You hold the feeling of nostalgia and the promise of exciting summer adventures. You smell like sunscreen, salt from the sea, and sweet oranges. If summer could be a person, it’d be you. Besides, I think it’s fitting since your name means sunshine :)

You are a rare gem, Jelena. I hope you remind yourself of that daily. I love you, and it’s time for you to show up for yourself just as you’ve shown up for others. Set up healthy and manageable habits. You’ve got this. I believe in you.

Now go kick ass,

Jelena